the world is gray

for some time now i’ve noticed that i wake up in color or songs. i would wake up with a song in my head and it’d stay there for the day and then i’d no longer remember one word of the song let alone the beat. same with colors. some days were bright and fun and some were matte. today the world is gray.

not only because the sun seems to have disappeared from the sky, although i’m sure it leaked into my thoughts subconsciously. the world is a scary and beautiful place. today when i asked Alexa the news it told me about the shooting in Las Vegas and how there were fifty people dead. i then went online and read a few articles and watched a few video s that i wish i hadn’t and then i hugged my daughter. i just stare at her for a few minutes when i read something like that or hear of something that makes the world a little darker, a little scarier because she is bright and somehow it balances me.

my mom was in the hospital today, she went for an exam and was put under general anesthesia and i realized that the older i get the more i worry, like it’s a genetic thing that clicks on after a certain age. i worry about how nothing is safe and everything can turn ugly so fast. how we can lose people we love, how we can lose ourselves.

i haven’t been in any particular religion, not for a long time. but i pray anyway, because i like to believe there’s someone listening and honestly just because it makes me feel better. i’m sorry for those who lost someone, anyone, because of acts of violence. it shouldn’t be this way and it’s devastatingly sad that it is.

it’s been on my mind since early this morning and i needed an outlet, this is basically my sigh. all the things my sigh meant this morning.